The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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