I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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