Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i drank out of a bidet.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
