This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
