Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
