Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
