hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
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