I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
