i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
