I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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