I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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