i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
