i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
