Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
