Your mouth is God's brothel.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
