Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
do herpes really smell.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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