she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
