he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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