i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
