I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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