that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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