Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Duck Duck Cougar?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pants are for mortals
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
