come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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