I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
