Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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