My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
