Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
