Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
