he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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