The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
