It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize