??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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