You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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