I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
