I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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