I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
