I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Someone signed my nipple.
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