hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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