the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
