Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
