All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
