Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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