Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
