so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
