I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
