People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
