Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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