Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
