there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
