I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We need to get me chipped asap
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
