I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize