Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
