You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
