i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
