At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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